Awareness
by Ssenillek Reh
Summary: One-shot for Jay's Sexy Edward Contest. Set during New Moon - there's a reason Bella doesn't believe Edward when he tells her he lied.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Twilight, and I am not Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N:** Ahaha, this is my last entry for this contest, I swear. Good thing, too - my mind was going crazy with the possibilities, but my lack of motivation (I blame school) wasn't letting me get them out. I actually came up with this idea late last night, and consequently spent most of today typing it - hooray, sick days!

That being said, I only have one more thing to say: Don't hate me. Really, please don't. This entry to Jay's contest may seem weird, because it just doesn't seem to fit with the general mood of all the other one-shots, but here it is, regardless. I don't know why my mind came up with this idea, or why it refused to be let go. I cried while writing it, I really did (though that may be the cold more than anything). This takes place during New Moon, during Bella's self-titled Dark Ages, and... I'll stop talking; you'll see.

I really do love the response my one-shots have been getting, and I can only hope this one gets as much attention.

Sexy Edward Contest

Title: Awareness

By: Kel

Type of Edward: Mythical(-ish) Edward

Character Type: as IC as possible, given the plotline

Story Type: Canon, though a vastly AU idea

POV: Bella

If you are interested in becoming part of this contest, please contact:

Jayeliwood (at) yahoo (dot) com

Contestants' stories are located on the C2 "Sexy Edward Contest"

Rules/guidelines are on Jayeliwood's profile

* * *

It was another one of those days where I was more aware than not. The numbness was still there, drowning me, but somehow I was able to stay above the surface for just a little while.

Days like this one didn't occur too often, but often enough that they were starting to become a major thorn in my side.

"Bella?"

It was Mike's voice. I didn't ignore him, as I did most of the time; I dully turned my face toward his expectant, almost eager look. Did he never learn?

"What are you doing for Christmas, Bella?" he asked.

I blinked slowly. Had the holiday already come? I realized, glancing around the cafeteria with a start, that it had – decorations were everywhere, and a huge sign claimed that today was the last school day before the holiday break.

"I don't know," I mumbled to Mike as an answer, returning to slightly glaring at my untouched tray of food. I felt, rather than saw, Mike turn away awkwardly to pester someone else about their Christmas festivities.

In terms of Christmas, I was rather lost. What did Charlie do for the holiday? Renée and I, never having much money, only exchanged one or two gifts with each other, and we never had a tree. Did Charlie do something special? Did he spend the day with friends?

I'd never shared a Christmas with him before, and I realized now, with a slight pang, that this Christmas would almost be no different. I simply wasn't in a spirited mood; any type of Christmas cheer would leave me unaffected. My joy had been sucked away from me long before.

Thinking of what – _who_ – had taken my joy caused the hole in my chest to widen threateningly, and I wrapped an arm around my torso tightly, trying in vain to hold myself together. Memories of him – memories of any of them – were painful, and I tried not to dwell on them at all, if I could help it.

A distant part of my brain realized that the bell had rung, and I stood from my seat lifelessly, picking up my full tray of food to toss in the garbage. Another three dollars gone, wasted – it was a good thing I got a decent amount of money from working at the Newtons' store.

I started moving dully to my next class, almost impatient for the day to end. Aware days like these only ever brought more harm than health, and I was almost anxious for a new, numb day to start.

"Bella?"

The second person in one day – it was a new record. I realized it was Angela calling me, and for her, I made a little bit more of an effort to pay attention. She had always been there, silently supporting rather than judging.

"Yes, Angela?"

Her smile, though sweet as always, had a bit of a bitter edge to it. "I know you're not happy," she began, hesitant, "and I know you're hurt… but for what it's worth, I hope you have a nice holiday."

I felt almost touched by her kind words – almost, because the ever-present numbness prevented me from _really_ feeling anything other than pain. "Thank you, Angela," I said, automatically – and if I wasn't so numb, I was sure I'd have tears in my eyes. "I hope you do, too."

Angela smiled at me again, this time a little more naturally, and scurried to her next class.

I sighed to myself, slightly disappointed, and headed in the opposite direction.

* * *

Contrary to my wishes, the day had passed by even more slowly than normal, only accentuated by my more-aware-than-normal state. Nothing bothered me too much anymore – I was far too numb for that – but the thought of this day dragging on forever was one that made me want to break down and cry.

"Dinner was good, Bells," Charlie commented carefully as I cleared the lasagna-less plates from the table and headed for the sink. I knew how much Charlie ate, by now, and how much I didn't eat, so leftovers were a rarity.

I tried to smile at him – it came out more like a twisted grimace – and awkwardly turned away from him, running the water and lathering the dishes with soap.

"Look, Bells," Charlie said after a pregnant pause. "Let me do the dishes for once – I feel like I never do anything around here anymore."

I dropped the sponge and wheeled around to peer at my father, uncertain. There was a reason I never let him do anything around the house anymore, after all. Keeping busy was a guarantee against remembering. "O-okay." I gave Charlie another awkward smile, to which he gave an incredibly hopeful, beaming look, and left the kitchen silently, making my way toward the stairs and, consequently, my room. I didn't have much else to do – I never watched TV, and any scarce outings I had ever gone on with my friends were now nonexistent.

I sighed again upon entering my room and started getting ready for bed. The sooner this day ended, the sooner the next would begin.

* * *

I woke suddenly, not knowing the reason, and blinked groggily, turning my head to check the time on the little alarm clock next to my bed. 3:27. Why had I woken up, and why at this ungodly hour?

I felt soft lips pressed against my hair, and before I could do anything – namely, panic and scream – I felt two cold, stone arms enclosing my waist. My body responded automatically – my breathing hitched, and my heart increased its tempo to beat double-time – but my mind was frozen, unable to comprehend what was happening.

"Bella," that beautiful voice breathed, and I immediately forgot everything: the last three months, those life-ending words he spoke in the forest, my name, _everything_. The only thing on my mind was the fact that he was here, now, holding me in his strong embrace, speaking to me like… like he loved me.

But, as much as I wanted to, as much as it pained me not to, I couldn't look at him. Not yet. If I tried to look at him, and this all ended up some fantastical dream, I would be left even more broken than my mind was willing to comprehend.

"Oh, Bella," the velvety voice continued, and I could feel one of his cool hands reach up to stroke my hair softly. "Bella, you cannot possibly believe how much I missed you… how much I _need_ you."

My eyes snapped to his face then, and I almost gasped at the image before me. Edward, in all his godlike glory, was lying on my bed next to me, on top of the covers as always, smiling down crookedly at me, brilliant topaz eyes shining with love – but there was a hint of pain, too, deep in those sparkling orbs.

The sight of him was almost too much for me, and I had trouble with coherency.

"W-what?" I managed to choke out.

How much he… _needed_ me? Unbidden, Edward's harsh words from the forest danced across my vision, and I involuntarily flinched. He had annulled all his previous claims of love by saying what I should have known all along.

Edward's lips twisted in a mangled, unhappy version of a smile, almost as if he knew what I was thinking, which, I was sure, was still impossible. "You will never know how much it… _pained_ me, to have to say what I did that night, Bella," he said quietly, eyes burning into mine. "All the pain, all the heartache it induced… I am so very, very sorry for what I did to you, Bella. You can't know how much I _regret_…"

My head whirled with the possibilities that opened up from Edward's strangled words, but I made an effort to stay focused and not let myself hope for too much. What was he trying to say?

"I don't…" I tried, through the tumult of my thoughts, to form a sentence coherent enough for Edward to understand. "I don't understand."

All traces of a smile left Edward's face, and he stared at me desperately, like he was willing me to understand by the force of his eyes alone. "Bella, everything I said that night, every single thing I told you… I lied to you, Bella." His voice was pained, as if he was confessing some great sin. I tried to say something, anything to take away the pain in his voice, but he kept talking, the words blurring together like they always did when he was anxious about something. "I could see it every day – especially at that damnable party – that we were no good for you, that _I_ was no good for you. Every day, you were risking your life just to be with me, and we couldn't even be together fully. And then, after what happened with Jasper… I could see we were taking your life away, Bella, risking it unnecessarily every minute you spent with us.

"So I convinced myself that maybe you were better off without us, without _me_, that you were better off living a normal, healthy human life. It killed me to even consider living without you, but if it meant giving you a full, long life, with someone who could love you properly, give you children, grow old with you… if removing myself from your life meant letting you have everything I could never give you, then I would take it. And I did, but it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life, because I'm too selfish to live without you, Bella. I may not be able to give you all the things a human can, but I love you – I love you so much, Bella, that every minute I was separated from you, I felt as if I were dying. Please, say you'll take me back, say that you love me, and have always loved me. I'll beg it of you, if I have to. Please."

He gazed at me passionately, and everything clicked into place. I suddenly understood the long silences, the brooding, almost pained looks he would give me.

He left me… to _protect_ me.

It was the most loving, most passionate, and most ludicrous thing I had ever heard.

He seemed to be waiting for me to say something, but I couldn't get the words past my throat, clogged as it was with some unidentifiable emotion. Seconds passed, and then minutes, and with every moment of silence, Edward's pained expression became more pronounced, until it was finally replaced with one of resigned acceptance.

His pain pained _me_, so I cleared my throat and, gathering what courage I could, spoke with every ounce of feeling I was capable of, so that he might understand all that I couldn't tell him. "I love you."

Edward's expression cleared, and a deep joy filled his eyes. I gasped at how fiercely beautiful he looked, but before I could do much else, his icy lips were on mine, and I lost all sense of everything.

Kissing Edward like this, like nothing within the last three months had happened, made me feel like nothing in the last three months _had_ happened. It was like there was no hole in my chest at all, as if nothing had happened to break me so completely like Edward's leaving had. My heart raced with emotion that hadn't been felt in too long, and I forgot to breathe.

Despite the utter familiarity of the kiss, the sense of rightness, of belonging, there was something different about it as well. It wasn't… guarded, like all of Edward's kisses before had been. I realized, as Edward pulled me closer, deepening the kiss slightly, that he wasn't holding back.

The thought stopped my heart momentarily before making it beat with ferocity, fast enough that I worried I would have a heart attack.

One of Edward's hands tangled itself in the hair at the back of my neck, massaging the skin there carefully, while his other arm snaked around my waist and hoisted me up so that I was hovering over him, still kissing passionately. I broke the kiss reluctantly – so reluctantly – and stared at Edward questioningly, uncertain as to what he was doing. Edward's boundaries had never allowed anything like this to happen, and while I wasn't complaining about the change, I was confused about his sudden change in behavior.

"Bella," he said seriously, though he was gasping for breath slightly. "I've lived without you for as long as I was physically able. Kissing you isn't enough anymore; I have to be with you, really be with you. Please?"

My heart stuttered at his words, and he grinned at the disbelieving look on my face. Without waiting for an answer, he leaned up and captured my lips again with his, moving them with perfect synchronization, and pressed his hands softly against my back, pressing me further against him. I felt something hard poking into my leg, and I moaned at the thought of what was to come. There would be no holding back this time, and the thought exhilarated me.

In a flash, Edward had flipped us, so that he was now hovering over me, bracing himself on his arms on either side of me so he wouldn't crush me under his weight. His shirt was unbuttoned as well, revealing his perfectly sculpted chest, and I traced the contours of it lightly with one hand as he shivered and moaned under my touch. He pulled my shirt over my head roughly, and his eyes darkened with lust as he saw that I hadn't been wearing a bra. A hand caressed my breast with the lightest of touches, and we let out identical moans at the contact – I had never felt this way before and I was sure Edward hadn't, either.

Edward's hand continued to trail a feather-light path around my breast before switching to the other one, and I made quick work of his pants, sliding the zipper down with little difficulty and pushing them down to his feet. I pulled his face down to mine for another kiss, one of my hands tugging at his hair and the other teasing the waistline of his boxers.

Edward groaned into my mouth and, a second later, I heard a ripping sound, signifying that my panties were now in disrepair. He pulled back from my mouth and stared at me, taking in the sight of me naked. His eyes raked over me like a starving man eyed food, and the intensity of his gaze made me blush.

"Bella," he said, voice low and husky, "you are so beautiful. So beautiful." My blush deepened at his words, and he caressed my reddened cheeks softly, chuckling to himself.

I was caught up in the vision of Edward. He looked so glorious in that moment, so unearthly beautiful, that I was almost sure he was a dream. I reached up to touch the side of his face gently, and he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

"I love you so much, Bella," he breathed, and his scent, so close, made me incoherent with pleasure. "Let me show you how much."

I acquiesced with a shy nod, uncertain as to what Edward was planning, but when I felt a cool finger at my entrance, I sucked in a breath of surprise. Edward watched my face, hesitant, until I managed to smile weakly at him – the rush of emotion I felt was too great to do anything else. He smiled my favorite crooked smile back at me, briefly, before his finger moved in and out of me, pumping me slowly, almost lovingly. I moaned at the feeling coursing through me and, had I been in my right mind, I would have been embarrassed that the place between my thighs was gradually growing wetter.

Edward entered another finger into me, and then another, and I almost lost it, caught up as I was in the sensation of him pumping me with his hand. With tremendous difficulty, I put my hand on his arm in an attempt to stop him. His eyes searched mine, laced with confusion and a little hurt.

"I'm about to – um, you know," I stammered, red-faced again, and Edward chuckled again, though there was a nervous edge to it. "And I don't want it to happen like that – I want it to happen with you…" I couldn't continue, even if I knew what to say; I was too mortified.

Understanding lit Edward's eyes, and he nodded once, solemnly, before withdrawing his fingers. I bemoaned the loss of contact, but I knew something even better would take their place. He positioned himself at my entrance, then hesitated, seeming to ask permission. I nodded once, tightly, wondering when he had removed himself of his boxers, but I had hardly any time to contemplate it before he entered me smoothly, sheathing himself completely.

I grimaced at the pain – while not too horrendous, it was certainly unpleasant. Edward held himself still, waiting for me to adjust, looking at me anxiously. Once the pain had passed, I relaxed, smiling slightly at Edward, and his face relaxed into bliss as well as he pulled himself out again, only to reenter, again and again. His lips crashed into mine almost roughly, and I kissed him back hungrily, relishing the contact.

The rhythm he kept going as he pumped had me gasping and moaning his name into his mouth, and I could feel him smile against my lips, though he would occasionally make the same sounds I was.

With one final thrust that had me crying out Edward's name in ecstatic pleasure, I let myself go, and I heard Edward's strangled moan before he emptied himself into me, gasping. We rode out the waves of pleasure together, moaning and whispering nonsensical words, until it was finally over, and we simply held each other, not moving except for our harsh breathing.

With a satisfied grin, Edward pulled himself out of me, and while I instantly felt the loss of paradoxical warmth from his cool skin, I was distracted by the lingering kiss he placed on my lips, and I kissed him back fiercely. He rolled onto his side and, pulling the blanket snugly around me, whispered, "Sleep now, Bella, my love."

Feeling myself lose the battle against my eyelids, I murmured, "I love you, Edward," before sinking into blissful unconsciousness.

* * *

I woke with a gasp, heart pounding erratically against my chest. My head whipped around, automatically checking the time on my alarm clock. 2:43.

I looked at my bed wildly, expecting to see something other than what I saw: empty blankets that looked ruffled only from my disturbed sleep. I blinked confusedly for a moment, still not completely awake and expecting to feel cool arms wrapped reassuringly around my shoulders. When I felt nothing, I fell back on my bed with a sob.

It had all been a dream.

Of course; Edward had said he didn't love me, that he didn't want me anymore. He wouldn't have come back – definitely not like that.

He was never coming back.

With a desperate shriek of pain, I seized my alarm clock and hurled it with all my might; it hit the dresser, leaving a mark, and broke upon compact, falling to the floor in tiny pieces.

Just like my heart.

Just like me.

The hole in my chest grew exponentially, and I welcomed the numbing pain, plunging in headfirst instead of drowning.

I _would not_ resurface.


End file.
